Navigating Intimacy After an Affair
6 considerations before having sex again
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Rebuilding your sex life is hard, because the person you are trying to rebuild your sex life with shattered your life by engaging in intimate actions with another.
This is the paradox, the person who caused the pain, is also the person who can help you heal and bring back pleasure (if they do the work).
1.Healing Emotional Injuries Comes First
Rage, confusion, shock, vulnerability, broken heartedness, depression, abandonment, and so many more intense emotions ambush the life of the partner who was betrayed. Healing the emotions is key before restoring your sex life. Before jumping back into bed, it’s important to work through the complex emotions that arise after a betrayal.
2. Empathetic Communication
You both should have a chance to talk about your sexual hopes, needs, feeling and boundaries. When you do this, both partners should focus on being empathetic, putting themself in the other person’s shoes. For more on empathic communication read the blog How We Empathize.
The betrayed partner does not need to be empathetic about why the betraying partner had an affair. Rather I’m saying, be empathetic about the feelings they might have about re-engaging in an intimate relationship with you.
Trust and intimacy are re-built through truly being heard and understood. When your partner shows interest in what you’re saying, demonstrates empathy for your pain, and respects your boundaries, you are more likely to notice trust slowly rebuilding, brick by brick.
3. Manage Triggers
It is likely that being intimate will bring up triggers. Often, when the betrayed partner starts to be vulnerable, it’s like their mind fights back against the vulnerability – cautioning them because of the previous pain. The cautioning comes in the form of obsessing, upsetting images or memories, or painful emotions.
Prior to becoming sexually intimate, discuss how you want to handle triggers when they arise. You may want to discuss how to safely stop even if you’re in middle of things, so that you can work through a trigger, if needed.
4. Accessing Professional Help
Let's face it, rebuilding a safe and satisfying sex life after infidelity is hard. If you need help working through the complexities of rebuilding your sex life, access professional supports.
5. How to Start
It might come naturally, it might be awkward, it could feel formal. Any reaction is natural and normal when it comes to rebuilding after infidelity. So much has changed, it would make sense your sex life has changed too. Some couples like to plan and schedule sex back into their lives, while others want it to come spontaneously after a night of emotional connection. There is no right or wrong, just what is going to work for your unique relationship.
Talk about it with your partner. Discuss how you hope to rebuild your sex life. Consider what would help you feel safe, connected and loved before making a leap and getting intimate gain.
6. Regressions
Even if you have sex once, twice or a hundred times, old feelings of hurt, betrayal and a lack of safety can re-emerge at any time. That is normal after infidelity. Practicing patience and understanding will go a long way to working through regressions. Trust is not a one and done. Trust is re-built through millions of moments of feeling seen, supported, heard, understood and like your partner has your best interests at heart. You may need to work at rebuilding the conditions for intimacy many times.
Rebuilding intimacy after betrayal is challenging, complex, and difficult. It is okay to have competing feelings and needs as you start to explore this vulnerable area of yourself with your partner. Do the best you can, and access supports if you need them.
For more on rebuilding your sex life after infidelity, read the blog Sex After Infidelity.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.