Defensiveness
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Why is my partner defensive and how can I help?
Have you tried to raise a complaint to your partner only to have them protest or make excuses? Or maybe they turn the issue on you?
Having a partner respond with defensiveness is hard. Here are some tips to help foster healthier communication.
First, what is defensiveness?
Defensiveness is responding to your partner like you’re warding off an attack. This can be done by:
Playing the innocent victim (making excuses or whining).
By using righteous indignation and counter-criticism.
This is an important pattern to recognize and work to change, because it erodes your communication and is a predictor of relationship deterioration and divorce.
People are often defensive when they:
Feel criticized.
Have a history of being criticized.
Feel ashamed, or not good enough.
Grew up in a family system where defensiveness was how they saw others react.
Found that making excuses or whining has worked in the past.
Here are some tips for how to communicate a problem to your partner, especially if your partner commonly responds with defensiveness.
Raise issues gently
Time it well
Share your expectations
1. Pay attention to how you raise an issue.
If you criticize your partner, use blame, show contempt, or make negative assumptions about your partner, they are likely to be defensive. How you raise the issue matters.
Consider the following ways to present a complaint.
The issue is you have a 3-month-old baby, you are both exhausted, and you need at least 6 hours of sleep in a row so you can feel human again.
Presentation 1:
You aren’t helping! You never consider how exhausted I am. You’re just thinking about yourself and how much sleep you need.
Presentation 2:
Babe, I’m exhausted. Having a 3-month-old is so hard. Can we have a conversation about how I can get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a row? I really need it.
Which one do you think would make someone more defensive?
If you want to be heard, be thoughtful about how to raise an issue without raising your partner’s defenses.
2. Ask if it’s a good time to talk.
A mistake I see a lot of people make is assuming their partner is free to have a difficult conversation.
It’s common to have an issue and just start sharing it with your partner the moment you think of it and hope they will respond well.
Being a good listener and responding well is a practice that requires you to put your own thoughts and feelings on the backburner and just listen to what your partner is saying. This is challenging to do. Especially when you are in the middle of something else.
To set yourself up for success, you could say, “Hey I want to have a chat, is now a good time?” Give them the chance to say yes or no. Work together to find a time when you can bring up your issue and they can be a good listener.
3. Set your partner up for the response you are looking for.
Most people aren’t sure what to do when their partner presents a problem. A common impulse is to try to fix the problem. But, if they can’t fix the problem, they may likely become defensive.
Before you bring up an issue, think about what you’re looking for from your partner.
Are you looking for them to help you solve the immediate problem?
Are you looking for their help to solve the problem moving forward?
Do you just want to be heard?
Are you looking for them to take responsibility?
If you tell your partner what you want from them, it increases the chances you will get it.
Ultimately you cannot make your partner respond without defensiveness. Occasionally the pattern of defensiveness is so ingrained that couples therapy, or individual therapy is needed to help make the change.
But to give a defensive partner their best chance, you can focus on how and when you present issues and try to set your communication on a better path.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.