Secrets to Successful Relationship Repairs
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
How to Steer a Negative Conflict Back on Track
#relationshiprepairs
The most frequent post I make on Instagram (@emberrelationshippsychology) is relationship repairs. Why? Because they are incredibly important; I see them all the time; I use them all the time.
What Are Relationship Repairs?
Imagine: you and your partner start sliding down that nasty spiral, you can feel it coming the same way all your big fights start, and then one of you does a ninja move that completely halts the process, reconnecting you, getting you back on track. A repair.
Relationship repairs are a powerful way to restore connection after a brief bump in the road.
Bumps
The number 1 thing couples fight about is:
NOTHING.
Do you ever get in little spats with your partner?
In the same vein, it’s often little interactions that save a relationship slowly slipping into disconnection by pulling it into re-connection.
Without malice, last night as I crawled into bed, my husband asked me to turn off the lights.
I growled at him about how I just got into bed and listed all the things I had just done. I snipped that he should get up and do it.
Smoldering with irritation, I sat in bed next to him. I was annoyed, but I also knew his request didn’t warrant that response.
Because a great relationship with him is more important than holding onto my frustration, I turned and said, “I am sorry I grouched at you. You didn’t deserve that reaction. I’m not at my best tonight.”
Why We All Need Relationship Repairs
Could your relationship be stronger with a more peaceful connection?
Suppose you buy a nice new 2021 car. It has the new car smell, and for the first year or so the engine basically purrs―not unlike a new relationship. With the passage of time and a few bumps in the road, you get normal wear and tear. Eventually that brand-new car will need a repair to stay in working order.
Relationship repairs aren’t much different. There will always be bumps in the road and over time relationships need repairs to keep them running.
For more on the importance of making repairs quickly, check out this short video.
Your Repair Kit
There are many kinds of repairs, emotional, thought-based, ones that stop conflicts in their tracks or some that redirect. Here are the keys to any repair:
Be friends. Remember, communication between couples is more than words, it’s an intricate slow dance, filled with secret languages and hidden meanings. It’s important to repair in ways consistent with your relationship. Inside jokes are helpful for this.
“I am sorry I grouched at you. I was temporarily possessed by the little old man from Up.”
Find positives. Focus on the good about each other. When it comes from a place of truth, a well-timed compliment can repair many a dent.
“I am sorry I grouched at you. You are lovely and patient, and I’m not at my best tonight.”
Accept the Other’s Influence. Acknowledge your partner’s approach/advice.
“I am sorry I grouched at you. From now on, I’m following your meal schedule. You have a better handle on your blood sugar than I do.”
Make It a Habit
Continuously repair damage-not just when things are careening out of control toward disaster. If you constantly maintain the relationship, it’s easier to stay connected. You’ll need to consistently be nice, be friends, look for the good in each other, accept your partner’s influence, and do lots of repairs.
Increase your connection with 6 Small Things That Successful and Loving Couples Do – the FREE step-by-step guide to a long-lasting love.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.