4 Tips to Help You in a Long-Distance Relationship
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
My 14-month long-distance experience taught me about bitter loneliness and committed love. It is the story of two imperfect, stubborn people who refused to give up on each other.
I know first-hand how hard long-distance relationships can be, and how rewarding.
I’ve leveraged my experience, as well as research from couples therapy to develop these four tips to help you navigate your long-distance relationship.
Talk about your goals.
Establish rituals of connection
Use love languages to bolster the connection
Soothe difficult emotions.
Talk about your goals.
It’s easier to go the distance if your goals are clear.
My initial goal was to get to know each other, but the more we learned, we realized that goal needed to change, and we needed to talk about it.
It’s important to talk about your end goals and the container of your commitment.
What I mean by the container of your commitment is: What does a long-distance relationship mean to each of you? What are your basic expectations?
If you and your partner have different goals, for example, if one of you wants to get married and the other thinks, “Yeah, I’m not interested in that ever,” or if your expectations are vastly different, it might not be worthwhile.
If you decide you do want to give it a go, you want to be in a long-distance relationship with this person, you have common goals and you’ve set up a container for your commitment, the next thing I suggest looking at are rituals of connection.
Establish rituals of connection
Rituals of connection are things that you do consistently, that you don’t think about, that you both agree on to stay connected.
There’s lots of ways to stay connected: via phone, text, photos, videos, video calls, care packages, good old-fashioned letters, and trips.
Talk about how you feel about:
Phone calls – Should they be daily? Weekly? A two-minute chat? An hour? What happens if a call is missed?
Texts – When you receive a text, do you want a text back every time? Once a day?
Videos – How often do you want to see your partner’s face as opposed to a call or text?
Trips – Do you plan regular trips? Take turns?
To avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings, it’s important to have explicit conversations about what you both need. The importance is that you find a solution you can agree on.
When my partner went away, we were practically strangers. We had very different expectations. We didn’t talk about them, we didn’t have a container for our commitment until a few fights later.
My expectation was he was going to call every day. His expectation was he would call if and when he was free.
As you can see, our different expectations led to conflict.
So we then had to have clear communication about what we wanted. We agreed on 5 minutes a day.
When you can express your needs, what you really want, your partner has a choice. They can meet your needs, or you can negotiate. If your partner can’t meet the needs you’ve expressed, that gives you useful data for you to decide if you want to be in this long-distance relationship.
My wish was that our five-minute phone calls were going to be heartfelt and really connected. While we did agree to talk, those conversations weren’t always perfect. What I focused on was that we were connecting, even though it didn’t always feel great. It was our ritual, and it helped us bridge the distance.
For us it was five minutes a day. Other couples may want an hour. Others call once a week. It just has to fit your relationship so you can stay in touch in a way that feels good.
Use love languages to bolster the connection
The Five Love Languages are:
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service
Buying gifts
Quality time
In a long-distance relationship your primary love language may not be an option, using your secondary love languages will show that you care.
You can send gifts.
Buying gifts is not one of my primary love languages, but I would send him care packages with different little things in them and notes of what each item means.
You can use words of affirmation – terms of endearment, compliments, validation, praise, such as:
Thanks so much for your call.
I’ve been thinking about your smile.
I love that about you.
I was missing your energy and the way you light up the room.
As acts of service, you can order food, or send someone over to clean for your partner.
There are still tons of things that you can do for a long-distance partner. Be creative and use the love languages that you can.
Soothe difficult emotions.
We are not born to be alone. We are born for connection, belonging. That’s why long-distance is so hard.
Make sure you’re mindful about how to soothe your own frustrated emotions when you’re lonely or upset.
Find a space in your house – a soothing corner where you have a cozy blanket, tea, a nice candle, or something that is going to soothe that ache.
Lean on friendships (that feel appropriate) while you are away from your partner. Make sure you’ve communicated with your partner your expectations and requirements for friendships so that you both can feel comfortable. Letting your friends support you can help ease the loneliness.
Get involved in a hobby. Something regular where you are out among people so you’re not just sitting at home alone.
It is just hard to be in a long-distance relationship. It is not fun, fast, or easy all the time. It can be. It takes conscious thought, communication, and two people who are willing to do the work.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.